Chapter 3: Street Signs Are for Whimps

And a whimp am I. My FOB* status leaves me at the mercy of maps and street signs to find my way around Guam. Only, there is one problem; many of the streets here don't have signs. Trips to the grocery store resemble games of hide-and-seek, and of the six libraries here on Guam, I've only managed to find two. To save time, frustration, and fake swearing, I've started asking for directions. It only took a few times to realize the islanders use landmarks and not street signs to give directions.

Sometimes they are easy. Enter exhibit A:

"Excuse me, where do I go to get court clearance?"

"Do you know where the basilica is?"

"Yes."

"The courthouse is right across the street."

"Oh! Ok, thank you."

Other times the directions are more sophisticated. Enter exhibit B; calling a sushi restaurant for their directions.

"Hello, where is your restaurant located?"

"We are in the Blue Lagoon Plaza."

"Which road is that on?"

"It's next to the Holiday Resort."

"Is it on Route 1** or Route 14?"

"Ummmmm....."

"We are driving by Kmart right now."

"Oh! Ok, when you get to the Kmart go down the hill and turn right. You'll pass the Holiday Resort. When you see the Bank of Hawaii on the right get in the center lane. You'll turn left where you see the Subway. That's the Blue Lagoon Plaza. We are in the back."

"Ok, Thank you."

**Just a side note, calling a road by its route number is a dead giveaway you're not from Guam. Not many people on the island call, or even know, a road by its route number.

Then there are times when directions are so long they have to be written down. Exhibit C:

The most advanced directions involve made-up street names. Exhibit D:

"Where can I find the Dededo Cost-U-Less?"

"Do you know where hamburger road is?"

"Hamburger road?"

"Yeah, the road with McDonald's at the end?"

"Oh, right...yes I do."

Etc, etc.

And exhibit E:

"Which street is the hospital on?"

"Do you know where the Pizza Hut intersection is?"

"Let me guess...it's the intersection with the Pizza Hut?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

Etc, etc.

Different as this technique is, it is fool-proof. I never get lost when I follow their directions. Next time someone asks you for directions, consider using the island technique and your street cred will skyrocket.

(Dislaimer...the island directions technique has not been tested on non-island areas, therefore its success cannot be guaranteed. The authors of this blog are not responsible for any loss of street cred.)

*Fresh off the Boat